I Need A Social Media Break

Assalamualaikum, hi there :)

First of all, I just wanna let you know how glad I am to be able to write something today. 3 days before 2020, I realised how much pain I have received throughout this whole year. Countless mental breakdowns and I have to rise by myself every single time. I don't know why I took so long to realise about this but a close friend of mine has recently knocked on the door for me. I realised how in the last few years, I've been spending so much time on social medias envying others' beautiful coats of life. How I spent my time asking "Why can't I be happy like anyone else?" "Why does everyone lived their life very easily?" "Why can't I be as strong as others?" when the truth is, I never knew the typhoons that they've gone through to achieve such happiness.

Since that night, I've made my decision to take a break from my social media and if possible, to never be on socmeds again. Of course, it was tough. But I really made my mind this time. So I slowly try my best to reduce my time on my Instagram and eventually got the strength to uninstalled it today. I felt awkwardly relieved. But I know this is for the best. I'm still on Twitter for now and currently trying to avoid being on twitter too much and hopefully, I could gather enough strength to uninstall Twitter too someday. Only twitter and that's it. I'm gonna be free from social media (except Whatsapp and telegram because I need those for my study lol)

So, no longer idle Instagram scrolling in my free time and now I have more free time. More free times mean I gotta fight the inner me who keeps on persuading me to be on Instagram again. It was a really strong 'monster' so I thought I need something to fill my free time. Sooooo I decided to improve my 3rd and 4th language which is Japanese and German. I already have a little bit of basic for both languages so learning 2 languages simultaneously aren't that hard for me. Quite challenging but it's a really fun ride. I aim to master these two as soon as I could and start learning French or Italian soon-yep I do wish to be a linguist but we'll see ahaha.

In case if you're curious, I downloaded Duolingo. P/s: I added Indonesian for extra points ahahaha and korean and chinese because I wish to learn those when I'm less busy lol

But anyway, I hope I would be able to leave socmeds for good. As it brings more cons than pros. I just wish that everyone will give me proper support because this means the world to me. Well then, until we meet again. Tschüss.

Cherophobia

"Cherophobia is a phobia where a person has an irrational aversion to being happy. The term comes from the Greek word “chero,” which means “to rejoice.” When a person experiences cherophobia, they’re often afraid to participate in activities that many would characterize as fun, or of being happy." 

Reference: Here

Assalamualaikum. Hi :)

Phew, it has been quite some time since the last time I wrote. My last few weeks has been such a big mess. I have a lot to catch up with my assignments, my life was hit by a tornado and my health is not in the best condition too. But anyway, I'm good. How about you?

So, cherophobia, I believe many of you have never heard of this but it does exist. It's a kind of phobia that makes you feel afraid of happiness. When you have this, you tend to avoid being happy as many times as you could. You'll always have a constant fear of things might go wrong whenever things goes too smoothly.

Well it's up to you to believe this or not but as for me, I believe in this as I literally have this phobia. I noticed how in the past few years, I've been avoiding myself for being too comfortable when my life was at my best because I know that later, something bad will happen and since I've been betrayed quite a number of times, I would also avoid as many interactions as I could with people. Because for me, being surrounded does make me happy but it's no longer beautiful when you get betrayed. Over and over again.

I know it's bad to keep such things in life and I'm still trying my best to overcome this phobia. But it's not easy. Because it's not something that you can change physically. It takes a lot of effort, it requires a lot of support, it's a really long process and it's a painful journey. In the end of the day, I have to accept that it's normal to be happy. We're human beans, we deserve to be happy. Of course, we need to be sad too sometimes, and it's normal. It's normal to have feelings. I mean, that's what we are. There must be a reason we've been gifted with feelings. That's the thing that all of us have to know.

Love of My Life

Hi there, Assalamualaikum :)

This is dedicated to my one and only love of  my life. I can't remember what happened when we first met but I knew, I love this person since day 1. Without this person, I will never be who I am today. Without this person, I wouldn't be as strong as I am now. I seriously owe a lot to this person and yet, there's nothing I could do to repay this person. 17 years, but not even a chance of repaying.

And now, this person has gone and I realised how I've been relying to this person this whole time. 4 years has passed, and I'm still as weak as before. I lost my world, I lost my everything. How do I continue living? How?

I miss the days when we used to talk together, walk together, and when I got sad, I would just run into this person's arms and cry. When I was happy, I would repeatedly told this person about my happiness.

I remember that one time, when I decided to start learning how to make Malay cake, Kuih Lapis. This person repeatedly told me that I was good at it. There are also times when this person came to my house just because this person wants to eat the cakes I made. This person said it's already her favourite.

Who is this person? My grandmother. She used to be my first babysitter, my mom, my bestfriend, my love, my everything. The world just turned dark when she's gone.

God knows how painful it is to remember every details of the nights I spent with her at the hospital. How I watched her suffering from the pain she had. How I was crying wishing her pain to go away. How she took my arms and asked me to sleep next to her and the next thing I knew, that her pain has gone, her suffer has ended.

But, she's gone with the pain, she walked away together with the warmth in her body. The moment when warmth slowly fades away from her hand that I hold, I knew she has successfully endured her pain. It's okay, you're free to go. I wouldn't mind.

The moment I'm writing this, I knew too damn well that she will never read this. But I just hope she knows how much I'm grateful to have her in my life. How thankful I am to know her. How I really wish she's here right now. How horrible my life is without her. But anyway, I have to accept this, That she's no longer here, that I have to learn to live without her, that I have to be strong.

I just hope you know that I'll always love you. Thank you for the 17 years that you have spent for me.

Yours,
Abel

Listen...

Hi there, Assalamualaikum :)

First thing first, Alhamdulillah, I've finally submitted my Gallery Design project. Well, things don't go as planned, but I made it anyway. Alhamdulillah. Bunch of thank you to my parents, who never stopped praying for me. To my best friends, who always convince me to do my best, and tried their best to help me from distance. You are irreplaceable. To everyone around me, who never stop encouraging me. You know who you are. Thank you, thank you, thank you. I don't know what I've done to deserve everyone, but I'm grateful for every good thing that ever happened in my life. Alhamdulillah.

So, last few days, a friend of mine came to me and confessed about everything that has been bothering her. How she was worried about her life, getting several anxiety attacks and even having suicidal thoughts. My heart broke when I heard that, honestly. Thank god, I managed to convince her to seek help. So off we go, I accompanied her to her counselling session yesterday. I tried my best to hold my tears as the session went. But it went well and she's about to be referred to a doctor soon.

You know what, I've been there. Just that I'm lucky enough because my condition wasn't as bad. That's why I kinda get the gist of what she's feeling. Plus the fact that I'm always the 'good listener', I've heard few more of my friends had almost the same experience as hers. Trust me, it breaks my heart every time. Sometimes, I feel bad because the only thing I could help was to listen to them, listen to their heart. But at the same time, I know too damn well the fact that I'm willing to listen has helped a lot. The satisfaction they got from pouring the beans is priceless. How do I know? I told you, I've been there. I still tried my best to help every possible way I could though. Like trying to solve the problem with them, or at least, convince them to seek help.

For everyone who reads this, listen. Please listen to the people around you. Always check on your 'strong' friends and if anyone ever put their trust towards you, please take care of it. Never even thought of breaking it. Because once the trust is broken, it will never be the same ever again.

To anyone who's hitting rock bottom right now, please fight it. You'll go through this and rise again. I believe, Allah will never give you something that you can't handle. I know you're strong enough to fight this painful phase of your life. Remember, you're not alone. I love you, so does everyone else. Be strong, you'll get there <3

Yours,

Abel.

A Big Fat Why

Hey there, Assalamualaikum. ;)

It's me again ahaha. So, in just 53 days, we'll reach 2020. Sometimes, I wonder why I'm still here. I mean, no one really into blogging anymore. Everyone would rather scroll their Instagram feeds, or tweets on Twitter. Blogging is so yesterday! So why am I here? Wouldn't it be better if I keep myself with the trend too?

But then I remember, I started to write as a therapy. Back then, I almost have no one to talk to. Including the fact that I don't have a really good relationship with my own family, made it even harder. Especially for a 13 years old girl? Dang, that was hard. I got used to bottling up my feelings too. That's why, even when I finally found someone to talk to, I found it hard to express my feelings.

As time passes by, I slowly developed my interest in writing. Well, nobody aced their first effort. But typically saying, "practice makes perfect". I used to read a lot of novels and slowly learn how to write a good 'cerpen' (short story). That was the only way to express my feelings back then. Every time I finished my stories, it feels like the burden I've been carrying has been lifted by the wind. Like a bird that finally freed from its cage. Well, I just somehow got some talent in writing, Alhamdulillah. My teacher eventually noticed my talent (because I would always go for cerpen during exams LOL) and keep on encouraging me to write. I even dreamed of publishing a novel.

However, as my skill reached the climax, I was enrolled in a local university. Well, you know how tough university life is. I barely got some time for myself, let alone writing? Dream on. I just kinda stopped writing since then. So this is me now, still writing but no longer writing cerpens. I do miss the time when I used to free my time to write, but now, I can only write in my free time. How pathetic. But it's okay, maybe I'll write again in the future? Who knows.

Well well, I guess that's it for tonight. Hope to see you again soon. Byeee!

One Step Ahead

Hey there, Assalamualaikum. :)

I'm back again. How ya doing? Hope everything went well for you. Remember how I struggled last semester? Alhamdulillah, I passed! Thank you so so so so so much for all your prayers. I couldn't be happier. With that being said, I'm officially getting into my 4th semester! Everything's a mess inside, happy, sad, nervous, they all kinda got stirred up very well inside. But anyway, I'm glad I finally made it.

It's already 2am as I'm writing this but I just feel like writing something here because...well guess I could say that this is my kind of therapy. Well well, to be honest, I'm in a massive mess right now. Yes I'm happy to finally be here but being here means I'm learning something new. After 2 years in the same progress, I could say I got comfortable being in my previous syllabus. I got too used of designing commercial designs, till it became too easy for me. Stepping one step ahead, means I'm learning new syllabus which is hospitality design. Trust me, it's a lot harder than I thought it was. That's why I'm here, because I'm in a mess that I created myself.

As I'm struggling with the thoughts that's flooding my mind, I thought of this song by this one Japanese band called Sekai No Owari. It's サザンカ (Sasanqua). I love how the lyrics actually suits my current situation and going through the lyrics actually motivates me and convinced me that there are always hope for everyone. In case you are feeling down as well, I would really recommend you to listen to this song and their other songs too! Because each of their song holds a very beautiful meaning.

One last thing before I go, I would really appreciate it if you could wish for the best for my 4th semester because apparently, I don't plan to repeat anything again ahahaha! And of course, so that I could go for my practical the next semester. Guess that's it for today. I'll leave you with the translation of the chorus part from Sasanqua, hoping you'll be motivated too. Abel signing off! Byeee

To you  who is chasing your dreams,

Remember, if you were stumble along the way,

I think the main character of a story is the one who gets laughed at,

Not the one who laughs at others

Finally Rising Again!

Hi, Assalamualaikum :)

I was late because the printing shop made me wait for 2 hours to print my board so I ended up not getting a proper place to setup my boards :')

So guys (and  girls), I'm finally doneeeeeeee! Alhamdulillah, alhamdulillah, alhamdulillah! I've never been so happy after my submission because my retail design assignment went sooooo smoothly. God, I wish my life will always be this smooth. :') No words can ever describe how happy I am. I'm really grateful for everyone's support for me; mom, boyfieee (hehe), my roommate, lecturers anddd everyone else. <3

<3

Well, this project wasn't the best, but I sure gave my best for this project. I've never pressured myself so much for assignment. In fact, I never thought that I will ever rise from my greatest fall, heaviest downfall and tears shedding journey. I don't wish for much, just that I wish that I will never fall again and try my best to improve my pace of working. It will be extremely hard, but with all the support and love I have from everyone, Insya Allah, I can do this! Please pray for me. I'm not fighting for only my future, but also the future of my beloved parents and of course, my younger siblings. They meant everything to me, literally.

This was during my second presentation. This is the only most decent photo that I have due to the lighting in my studio and the quality of my camera :(

I really wish I could tell you all the details but I am just too happy for words. But again, to everyone who prayed for me, I thank you so much. I pray that your life will be as smooth as mine too! <3 <3 <3

Heyyo!

Hi, Assalamualaikum :)

So um, yeay I'm back again! Its almost 3PM as I'm writing this, only 3 days left before submission for my retail design project. *yawning. I'm obviously not getting enough sleep and rest. The pressure is realllll! But thanks to my coffee though! Hahahaha. Ayyyy I'm sorry mom. I drink too much coffees this whole week.

Sneak peak of my presentation board; 95% done. xD

Anyway anywhooo, as I'm taking my-kinda-short-break, I suddenly remembered how this semester has been going quite well to me so far. Well, I mean, my design proposal are easily proceeded, I still manage to catch up with everyone else's progress even though I laid back a lot yada yada yada...

I have this thought, why does this semester felt sooo easy? Was it because I actually took my tasks seriously? Was it because I got a good lecturer? I'm not sure. Or...was it because I've been calling my mom frequently?

Could be, right? Well, it actually feels good when I talked to my mom. I never directly told her about my problems, I just told her about my day, or maybe about some sale they're having at the Tesco nearby hahaha. Surprisingly, that was enough to give me calm. Everything went by so easily. But, since I don't actually talk much, I will usually call her few times a week. Ugh, I wish I could call her every day. But it's okay.

My point is, no matter how busy you are, you haveee to call your mom (or text her at least). Ask her about her day, her health, anything!

Ayy, I'm sorry if my post this time are kinda gibberish since I'm typing this half asleep lmao. Guess that's it for today. Abel signing out!

ps: I know there's a lot of grammatical error but I'll fix those later okay? Ciao

A Bit Update

Hi, Assalamualaikum :)

I'm writing again. It feels soooooo good to write again. I really wish I could write short stories again but my writing skills got rusty since I am too busy with my university life.

A little update of my life:
I'm currently still studying Diploma in Interior Design at UiTM Seri Iskandar, Perak. I'm currently on 5th semester but as I told you in my previous post, I'm repeating a few courses due to some problem I had. I got in accident then I was mentally giving up studying yada yada yada... Alhamdulillah after few motivations I got from my lecturer during previous semester, I am now back on track, Insya Allah.

To be honest, I am supposed to be doing my assignment right now but I decided to take a little (look at me lying to myself hehe) rest and release a bit of my pressure I'm having right now. Thus, why I'm writing this post.

Mom would be mad if she find out how much I drink caffeine this whole week.
( I have another can of coffee in the fridge lol)

As I started writing yesterday, I suddenly got this flashback thing going on my mind. I got reminded of how I actually started this blog back when I was 14. Yup, 14. I started this blog by writing some teenage cringe stuffs like lifestyle, studying tips blablabla. Thank god I deleted those old posts of mine. I can't imagine reading my old posts again. Oh god. Also, I started this blog in Malay because at the moment, my English was so bad. I have no confidence to speak English at all since I grew up speaking Malay.

When I was 17, I decided that I'll just gonna post my short stories here but, my laptop was broken then I got into university and I barely had the chance to write again. But I still manage to write few things, I just never had the chance to finish everything.

Well, I am now 21. Phew, am I an adult now? Ah, time sure flies. Growing up sure are tough huh? Bigger responsibilities, bigger decisions to make. I wish I never grow up and be that kid again. Wait, no! Hate to admit it but I hate my childhood. Guess I have no other choice then; be that grown up lady(?)

Hey, I don't ask for much but, pray for me. Pray that I could live my life smoothly (well not so smooth but you know what I mean), find happiness in life and to always stay positive during my good and bad times. I'm not even sure if there's anyone who reads this lame blog of mine but if you read this, I hope all your life businesses are eased and will be granted happiness in life. Love you, Assalamualaikum.

Yours,
Nabilah (Abel)

Love Letter

Hi, assalamualaikum. :)

This is an appreciation letter. <3

It's the time of the semester again. Graduation day. Looking at my seniors, happily wearing their graduation robe and mortarboards, shooting graduation photos, has a really wide smile on their faces and all. It feels good to see such views but, I somehow feel sad.

Having the thought that I'm supposed to be in my last semester but yet, here I am repeating courses. I feel...bad... I feel bad towards my parents who gave me all of them to me. Using every drops of their sweats for my education. Sacrificing family vacation trips for me. But then there's me, stupid, full of disappointment, such a waste.

Ibu, I'm really sorry for being such a disappointment.

Bapak, I'm really sorry for wasting every drop of your sweats trying to financially support me.

I know, I know I should say this directly to you but, the ego inside me won't let me. I'm too embarrassed to actually face you. That's why I'm rarely home. But deep inside, I got homesick a lot. I missed you so much. I miss the time I spent with my fam.


To arwah Opah,

I'm sorry I wasted all of your prayers for me during your living days. All of your efforts, your supports. They meant a  lot to me but without you? I'm nothing. I'm just a weak little human without you. You were my main source of strength but you're gone. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you.


To my siblings,

I really have a love-hate relationship with all of you guys. But deep inside, trust me, I love all of you so much. I'm sorry I'm not that dream sister who shows my love 24/7 towards you guys but that's what making it fun. I'm sorry if all of you had to face hardship when our parents gave me most of their money for me. But give me a chance, I will try to give you the best life that I could for you. all of you. I'll try to provide you with better education. I can't promise you but I'll try my best for you.


To everyone else who stayed,

Doesn't matter who you are, my bestfriend, my roommate, university friend or even acquaintance, thank you. Those who helped when I'm at my lowest. those who listens to my every problems, those who always lend a hand when I need it. Thank you. No words can ever describe how thankful I am to even meet you. I know I don't deserve any of you. But thank you.

A Little Something

Hi, assalamualaikum :)

I've decided that I'm not gonna share a short story on this post. But instead, I just wanna share my feelings on this post, I guess?

So yeah, I'm actually in the process of recovering from a heartbreak. My very first heartbreak I think haha! What happened? Well, I broke up exactly 2 months ago. I don't even know how do I describe this feeling. Part of me are sad and another part of me are...happy? Why? It was a toxic relationship. It was always me who were sorry. It was always my fault.

But still, it was a nice short period. Temporarily, I know how it felt to be loved, I know how it felt to tell someone about my day but importantly, I learnt that loyalty isn't a single thing when you don't have the trust. Ah, I'm such a fool. What was I thinking?

He was a really nice person to begin with. I still love his beautiful hazel/green (idk I'm not sure haha) eyes hehe. There was one day when my mom got admitted to the hospital and I told him that I feel bad because I wasn't able to went home due to work. For some reason, he was actually mad at me at the moment (sorry I don't remember why) but still, he comforts me. Ah, good old days huh?

I'm still trying to move on. Pretty sure this is gonna take a long time, but I'll be okay. The fact that we broke up a day after my birthday still leaves me hurt. I swear to god, that was my worst birthday gift ever. Nothing gonna beat that. I'm not sure why but, I wasn't crying that night. I was extremely sad but I just can't cry doesn't matter how much I tried. Perhaps, because I taught myself to be strong that even a heartbreak won't me let me cry. Dumb, huh?

Since then, I learnt that relationship isn't something for me. Hey, I survived 2 years not having a crush to anyone. I should be fine, right? I'm  just gonna focus on my studies for now and just gonna fulfill my responsibility as the eldest child towards my family after I graduate. I'll give my younger siblings better education than what I had. I'll give the best life towards my parents. Towards my family. Marriage is no longer in my goals. I don't even care if I'll end up dying alone because I don't even wanna live in the first place.

Hey J, if you're reading this. I just want you to know that, I really appreciate our time together even though we never actually met. ( I still feel really dumb for getting excited believing that you will actually come to see me). You are one of the best and the worst thing that ever happened in my life. Me being me, even though you hurt me, I won't be hoping that you'll feel the pain that I'm feeling right now. I just hope that you'll live your life happily. Find the right girl that you want (and please, please don't let her feel what I feel right now, please), and achieve your goal to be a dentist (if that's actually a real thing). Sorry that I couldn't be the girl that you want. I really hope we could still be friends but that will be so awkward for both of us hahaha. But anyway, thank you so much. For everything. By the wayyyyyyy, I still remember your birthday so um, Alles Gute zum Geburtstag im Voraus!

So um, I think I'll just end this here since I still have a pile of work to be done. Only a week left before submission and I'm extremely nervous. Wish me luck! Thank you so much for your time reading this and may you have a great day! <3