Honestly,

 sometimes I wish we never met

2021 - Prologue II

 Hey there, it's me again.

So um, there's a little bit more I would like to tell you about my year. Honestly, it was a bad year. I remember 2018 was the year where I kinda lost everything. My life was a total mess. Then 2019 came, I surprisingly improved a lot. I managed to boost my self-esteem as well as my emotional health was a lot better. I was happy. Sometimes still getting anxiety attacks but I was feeling contented at least. I even went through 2 breakups in the same year. Yet I was great. I meant I was doing decently.

Unfortunately, 2020 refused to treat me as pleasant as 2019 did. I am slowly losing myself again, my confidence went way down, even lower than before. I deactivated my social media for god knows how many times. I no longer have the feel to actually hang out with people unless my closest ones. Not to mention my mental health as well. It was all horrible. All those suicidal thoughts kept flooding in. All those voices kept telling me how unworthy, useless, stupid I am. The best part is, those voices haven't stopped yet. They're even making a lot of noises in my head as I'm typing this right now. 

So here am I, broken, very insecure, feeling worthless, a disappointment, no self-esteem at all, etc. I don't even know what I'm gonna do or what will happen to me in the following year. But I hope I will find myself again. 

Maybe it doesn't sound important to you, but they're at least important to me. I don't even know what to do, what to aim for, what to say. Nothing, I literally don't know a single thing about what to do with my life. That's why I really hope to find myself again. Find my strength back. I want my decent life back. There's nothing more I can ask for. 

2021 - Prologue

Hey there, it's me again.

I know my posts lately have been sounding more and more negative by time. But yeah, I guess y'all know the fact that this is the only place I decided to become myself. Where I speak the unspoken words. 

This was how I started my 2020. I remember this was taken right before my final exam started. I was probably still struggling to finish my 4th semester's final project; hotel design. Judging from those thicc eyebags I had, I was obviously tired, fatigued, and lost (?) lol. 

And this is how I end my 2020, taken a few days ago. Probably around 15-20kgs heavier hahaha. I remember this year had taken a lot from me. My sanity, my emotions, my physical, are all seriously tested. I am currently struggling with my final year project. Which has caused several major burnouts in the past few months. 

2020 has been a roller coaster ride of mess. One time it was just a tiny mess, and another time a huge one. It is tiring indeed. But yeah, we had no choice but to endure it all. Looking back at all the struggles I faced, I'm kinda glad that I went through it all. Remembering all the pains I've been through, I am proud to say that I was strong enough to face all those pains. 

2021 will be the year that I finally end my diploma life that took a lot longer than everyone else's. I hope to start my career soon and build a new life for myself. I have a few goals to accomplish, but I'm planning to keep em just for myself for now.

I wish everyone a good year. May your every wish and journeys run smoothly as planned. 2020 has taken a toll on everyone. Let the new year watch us rebuild our lives to better ones, Insya Allah.

Have a good day y'all

Love, Abel

Pain pain go away

Do you know the kind of feeling where you're tired of trying to work things out? I guess that's what I'm feeling right now. I've been trying so hard to tell myself that I'm okay, thing's will definitely get better. But I can't. I am tired, I don't want this anymore. Letting go is less as painful as holding on they said. Is it true though? I honestly don't know if I'm ready to bear the same pain again. I really hope I don't face the same thing I did on my last year's birthday on my birthday soon. I pretty sure I don't have the same strength anymore. I'm not getting younger and stronger you know? Sigh... What the heck am I supposed to do now though? I'm so confused. So many things in mind that I don't even know where to start. Somebody help me please...

Random Post

I'm shattered into pieces. How I wish I could describe the pain I'm having right now. But it's impossible. It's okay, I can get through this. 

Nope

Nope nope nope nope nope nope nope nope nope nope nope nope nope nope nope nope nope

Answer-less Questions

Hey there. It's me again.

In my last few days, my head was filled with all these questions that I can never answer. Some of it, I wish I won't find the answer. I've been asking myself...

"What are you gonna do with your life?"

"Is this what you've always wanted?"

"Is this the fate of your life?"

"Why are you still here?"

"Is it gonna get any better?"

"Don't you think you don't deserve this life?"

...and the list goes on. It's a total chaos inside. Ever seen a press conference with hundreds of reporters asking question to one man? Yeah I guess that's how it was inside. I don't understand. I really don't.

In my last few days, my thoughts was also full of all those abstraction that I do not wish to understand. Why? Because in the end, those ideas are just gonna consume my sanity. But NO. I cannot deny the fact that some part of me are dying for answers. You know, there's a void in me and it needs to be filled. But filled with what?

In my last few days, I kinda decided that I'm just gonna live with it. I gotta learn to live the fact that maybe there always things that we can't answer or understand. But time will help you to cope with things. I'm gonna lose my sanity? Then go on. Doesn't seem a matter to me anymore. I'm tired of looking for answers. If there's an answers to the questions, then good. If there isn't, let it be. I don't care anymore.

Sincerely,

Nabilah Badarudin

Sigh

 Hey there! :)

First of all, I hope everyone here ( if there's any) is in the pink of health. With this Covid situation, I know it's been tough especially for the breadwinners of the family. Hang in there guys, we'll get through this together. 

So for my life update, alhamdulillah I finally made it to the final semester. No words can describe how excited I am after everything I've been through! Pray for me guys, I really want to finish my diploma as soon as possible. I'm already tired of this lifeless life. 

So far, everything seems to be hard for me as we're currently on Online Distance Learning (ODL). I can't even go anywhere to properly do research for my final projects, not even to the nearest printing shop to scan my sketches, and most importantly, we're not allowed to go back to the campus, obviously. It's sad, really. Since it's my last semester; my last chance to enjoy my studio life, meeting lecturers and studio mates, and face-to-face critic sessions. But yeah, it is what it is. We gotta face everything we have, right?

As of now, I might be able to endure this. But I honestly don't know how long I will last though. Might even breakdown soon because I'm already starting to lose my shit hahaha. 

But anyway, I hope everything will be fine soon and we can all go back to our normal life. It might take a long time, but I hope we'll all get through this. 

Sincerely,

Nabilah Badarudin

Random Thoughts

It's 2 in the morning and caught myself listening to Billie Eilish's songs; I typically listen to them only when I'm feeling down. Well honestly, I've been feeling down since this evening but luckily, my boyfriend was there to calm me down. He did managed to took all the thoughts away for a moment. But they kept coming and I can't seems to resist. I want this to stop. Please.

Next Chapter Begins!

Hey there! ;)

Finally, the first update of the year! Ahahaha. First of all, in the midst of this Covid-19 outbreak, I wish everyone in the pink of health. Make sure to always stay at home and take care of your hygiene. Please, please, please avoid going anywhere if you don't have any urgent matters and to always go to the nearest hospitals if you have the symptoms of Covid-19. Remember guys, it needs all of us for it to stop spreading. I believe we can go through this together.

So, more update of me. My previous semester went well, although not so well. But thanks to Allah, I made it anyway. I guess it kinda worth my sleepless nights and my tears. As always, a big thanks to everyone who were there for me along my journey. My parents, family, closest friends, classmates and everyone else. Also a big thanks for those who smirked as I fall down on my knees. Without you, I wouldn't rise and stand up again.

I am currently doing my internship in a company somewhere in Damansara. Alhamdulillah, everything's good for now. I mean, good colleague, good working environment, I mean, what else could I ask for? Everything is perfect! Just, a bit far. But I'm fine with that. I mean, it's nothing much compared to what I'm gonna learn during my internship period. Sacrificing a bit of my time wouldn't hurt.

Sadly, due to the RMO, I am now working from home. It's quite boring honestly but who am I to go against His will. I just really hope for this to be over soon as I can't stand doing nothing at home. God knows how much I miss the sun, those grasses, the city and everything. Lastly, please stay at home. Think of all your loved ones because once you are diagnosed positive, the moment you left to the hospital might be your last farewell. Stay safe everyone. Love ya! <3