Honestly,

 sometimes I wish we never met

2021 - Prologue II

 Hey there, it's me again.

So um, there's a little bit more I would like to tell you about my year. Honestly, it was a bad year. I remember 2018 was the year where I kinda lost everything. My life was a total mess. Then 2019 came, I surprisingly improved a lot. I managed to boost my self-esteem as well as my emotional health was a lot better. I was happy. Sometimes still getting anxiety attacks but I was feeling contented at least. I even went through 2 breakups in the same year. Yet I was great. I meant I was doing decently.

Unfortunately, 2020 refused to treat me as pleasant as 2019 did. I am slowly losing myself again, my confidence went way down, even lower than before. I deactivated my social media for god knows how many times. I no longer have the feel to actually hang out with people unless my closest ones. Not to mention my mental health as well. It was all horrible. All those suicidal thoughts kept flooding in. All those voices kept telling me how unworthy, useless, stupid I am. The best part is, those voices haven't stopped yet. They're even making a lot of noises in my head as I'm typing this right now. 

So here am I, broken, very insecure, feeling worthless, a disappointment, no self-esteem at all, etc. I don't even know what I'm gonna do or what will happen to me in the following year. But I hope I will find myself again. 

Maybe it doesn't sound important to you, but they're at least important to me. I don't even know what to do, what to aim for, what to say. Nothing, I literally don't know a single thing about what to do with my life. That's why I really hope to find myself again. Find my strength back. I want my decent life back. There's nothing more I can ask for. 

2021 - Prologue

Hey there, it's me again.

I know my posts lately have been sounding more and more negative by time. But yeah, I guess y'all know the fact that this is the only place I decided to become myself. Where I speak the unspoken words. 

This was how I started my 2020. I remember this was taken right before my final exam started. I was probably still struggling to finish my 4th semester's final project; hotel design. Judging from those thicc eyebags I had, I was obviously tired, fatigued, and lost (?) lol. 

And this is how I end my 2020, taken a few days ago. Probably around 15-20kgs heavier hahaha. I remember this year had taken a lot from me. My sanity, my emotions, my physical, are all seriously tested. I am currently struggling with my final year project. Which has caused several major burnouts in the past few months. 

2020 has been a roller coaster ride of mess. One time it was just a tiny mess, and another time a huge one. It is tiring indeed. But yeah, we had no choice but to endure it all. Looking back at all the struggles I faced, I'm kinda glad that I went through it all. Remembering all the pains I've been through, I am proud to say that I was strong enough to face all those pains. 

2021 will be the year that I finally end my diploma life that took a lot longer than everyone else's. I hope to start my career soon and build a new life for myself. I have a few goals to accomplish, but I'm planning to keep em just for myself for now.

I wish everyone a good year. May your every wish and journeys run smoothly as planned. 2020 has taken a toll on everyone. Let the new year watch us rebuild our lives to better ones, Insya Allah.

Have a good day y'all

Love, Abel

Pain pain go away

Do you know the kind of feeling where you're tired of trying to work things out? I guess that's what I'm feeling right now. I've been trying so hard to tell myself that I'm okay, thing's will definitely get better. But I can't. I am tired, I don't want this anymore. Letting go is less as painful as holding on they said. Is it true though? I honestly don't know if I'm ready to bear the same pain again. I really hope I don't face the same thing I did on my last year's birthday on my birthday soon. I pretty sure I don't have the same strength anymore. I'm not getting younger and stronger you know? Sigh... What the heck am I supposed to do now though? I'm so confused. So many things in mind that I don't even know where to start. Somebody help me please...

Random Post

I'm shattered into pieces. How I wish I could describe the pain I'm having right now. But it's impossible. It's okay, I can get through this.