A Little Something

Hi, assalamualaikum :)

I've decided that I'm not gonna share a short story on this post. But instead, I just wanna share my feelings on this post, I guess?

So yeah, I'm actually in the process of recovering from a heartbreak. My very first heartbreak I think haha! What happened? Well, I broke up exactly 2 months ago. I don't even know how do I describe this feeling. Part of me are sad and another part of me are...happy? Why? It was a toxic relationship. It was always me who were sorry. It was always my fault.

But still, it was a nice short period. Temporarily, I know how it felt to be loved, I know how it felt to tell someone about my day but importantly, I learnt that loyalty isn't a single thing when you don't have the trust. Ah, I'm such a fool. What was I thinking?

He was a really nice person to begin with. I still love his beautiful hazel/green (idk I'm not sure haha) eyes hehe. There was one day when my mom got admitted to the hospital and I told him that I feel bad because I wasn't able to went home due to work. For some reason, he was actually mad at me at the moment (sorry I don't remember why) but still, he comforts me. Ah, good old days huh?

I'm still trying to move on. Pretty sure this is gonna take a long time, but I'll be okay. The fact that we broke up a day after my birthday still leaves me hurt. I swear to god, that was my worst birthday gift ever. Nothing gonna beat that. I'm not sure why but, I wasn't crying that night. I was extremely sad but I just can't cry doesn't matter how much I tried. Perhaps, because I taught myself to be strong that even a heartbreak won't me let me cry. Dumb, huh?

Since then, I learnt that relationship isn't something for me. Hey, I survived 2 years not having a crush to anyone. I should be fine, right? I'm  just gonna focus on my studies for now and just gonna fulfill my responsibility as the eldest child towards my family after I graduate. I'll give my younger siblings better education than what I had. I'll give the best life towards my parents. Towards my family. Marriage is no longer in my goals. I don't even care if I'll end up dying alone because I don't even wanna live in the first place.

Hey J, if you're reading this. I just want you to know that, I really appreciate our time together even though we never actually met. ( I still feel really dumb for getting excited believing that you will actually come to see me). You are one of the best and the worst thing that ever happened in my life. Me being me, even though you hurt me, I won't be hoping that you'll feel the pain that I'm feeling right now. I just hope that you'll live your life happily. Find the right girl that you want (and please, please don't let her feel what I feel right now, please), and achieve your goal to be a dentist (if that's actually a real thing). Sorry that I couldn't be the girl that you want. I really hope we could still be friends but that will be so awkward for both of us hahaha. But anyway, thank you so much. For everything. By the wayyyyyyy, I still remember your birthday so um, Alles Gute zum Geburtstag im Voraus!

So um, I think I'll just end this here since I still have a pile of work to be done. Only a week left before submission and I'm extremely nervous. Wish me luck! Thank you so much for your time reading this and may you have a great day! <3